As I’m sure all of you know the dangers of fighting turtles and the simple terms of hamster care, I am here with turtle fighting and hamster expert Alyse Bisby to discuss the exciting factors of both.  

Brooklyn Plitz with Alyse Bisby

BP: “Do you have any thought to feelings about the fighting of turtles?”

AB: “Yes I do. When I was younger, I always thought the concept of turtles living in a sewer, eating pizza was cool, but I’m not really talking about those ones. Although I would be the best Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle out there, I’m talking about the real deal. Personally, I haven’t really fought a turtle in real life, but I’ve definitely dreamt of it (don’t question my dreams, I think they’re cool). Okay so, picture this: a medium size turtle is approaching you, the snapping kind. You’re getting nervous because you watched too much Animal Planet as a kid and you know that they have strong jaws. Your palms are too sweaty to pick up a rock heavy enough to smash it, so you decide you only have one option left. Pet it. Now you’re probably thinking that is a bad idea but then…… SNEAK ATTACK! The turtle you just befriended, betray. You pick it up by its shell by his head and butt, so he can’t bite you. Spin in 3 circles to build up the power, the throw it as hard as you can into the sky, like real life Mario Cart. This may sound harsh but THIS IS LIFE OR DEATH PEOPLE! So next time you get into a fight with a turtle, just remember, fish are food, not friends (not really sure if a turtle is actually a fish but you get the point).”

BP: “Any thoughts on hamster care since I heard you were an expert of the care of hamsters?”

AB: “Yes, I actually am. The most important part of hamstercare is your hamster’s name.It has to be something to make him sound very important. For example, startinghis name with “General” “Detective” or “Sargent.”Or maybe it’s feeding them. Not really sure. Definitely give them water, but not in a bowl because I’ve heard they can drown from that. You need to clean their cage once a week, not once a month. That’d be my bad. If they’re feisty and like to bite, you’re out of luck because there is no coming back from that. Sometimes they bite and hold onto your fingers really tight. So, when you put them in a ball, do it quick. Also, make sure you close the ball all the way or else they can make a hole in your wall and hide up there. Not that it happened to me or anything…… Lastly, always make sure you wash your hands after you touch it (or kill it). No one wants hamster germs. When your hamster is to die, make sure its body it properly taken care of and not thrown into your backyard creek along with its purple bedding (not that I’m getting specific or anything).”

I would like to dedicate this masterpiece to Mr. Voss, my favorite of all history teachers, thank you.