What is an elitist in proper definition? According to Merriam-Webster, one definition of noun form of an elitist is, “one who is an adherent of elitism: one whose attitudes and beliefs are biased in favor of a socially elite class of people.” Does this particularly matter to me? No, this is more of a result of a lack in creativity and imagination. With such a writer’s block, I have resorted to the one thing I thought I would never have to do: talk about myself in a self-deprecating way. Could I talk about myself in a more positive manner? I can most certainly do so, but modern humor on the internet dictates that I must be self-loathing. Let’s get right into the degradation of one’s confidence through calling myself an elitist.  

My elitism cane be explained through several categories. These categories are aimed to encapsulate all realms of the ever-complex mind and to determine if I am truly a depraved narcissist. The categories are as follows: music, art, literature, pseudo-politics, and teenage philosophy. 

Onto the first category, my music taste is very elitist, so elitist in fact that I might as well be the stereotypical millionaire in a sportscar. I listen to – get ready for this – classical music! Out of all the kinds of classical music, I just like pretty piano sounds that make me happy. This is such an elitist taste because people do not really enjoy classical music. Most of the time, people just listen to it to make them feel smart because classical music has a vast array of well composed musical compositions that stand the test of time, but that means people analysis. When people analysis, it’s not fun anymore and now only relegated to just being smart.  

Now we look at the next category, which is my artistic tastes. In all honesty, art is a very vague term; technically, anything creative can be considered art to some degree. However, the default connotation for me to art is something more visual-based. That is what will be the definition we shall use. What kind of visual art do I like that makes me an elitist? It seems to me that I like really any kind of well-crafted piece of artwork that tries to be though provoking or entertaining. Although that may seem innocent, it does not rule out the possibility that I may believe that I am too good to judge art, because it will always be imperfect. My eyes alone are enough to distinguish the fact that art will always be bad.  

Next, we shall discover more of my elitism in the literature category. My writing may seem like a cesspool of failed comedy that is just a reminder that humor is dead in the 21st century, but to me it is great for a reason that I cannot divulge. I suppose that is elitist then: to think what is true of my high-quality and definitely not low effort or last-minute works. What of the literature I read? For the same reasons as the art category, I barely read such nonsensical things that people call their “hard-work” and “passion.” No, my eyes are, again, the most superior.  

Not only am I an elitist in what my tastes, but I am also an elitist in my philosophy. What particularly makes me philosophically elitist? It is not something that would get me thrown out of this newspaper. Rather, I am so intellectually superior that I created my own philosophy called “Philism.” Where did I come up with such a brilliant and verbose title such as this? Well, my student I have brilliantly took the first four letters of philosophy and put ism on the end. The philosophy is about adapting to any philosophy that makes you look good and get the maximum number of friends. As you can tell from small number of friends, I have not applied it yet. It’s like being a demagogue but adding in a euphemism and being a teenager.  

Finally, the grand finale has arrived: political beliefs of a teenager! My elitist political beliefs are very interesting for they technically not exist. I am so elite above anyone else that I do not associate with any part of the political spectrum. You see, I have conquered the metaphysical plane of this world and ascended to a greater height. A height where I am not involved in petty politics because I am too smart for complicated issues such as welfare, poverty, and immigration. I focus my time and energy not participating in politics but by doing the most effective thing anyone can do in politics: laugh at issues and not solve them.  

Anyone could be an elitist, but I am the most elitist of elitist based on my experience. For you see, I am the ultra-elitist, so elitist in fact that  I am better than myself at being an elitist. My tastes exceed what people think are fun and enjoyable, and my beliefs exceed anything in the physical realm of the universe that confines us with invisible chains until a slow death. However, if you have any of these interests or any interests at all that you like and identify with, you may not be an elitist; because I am elitism itself, the pinnacle of it. Or you could also be an infinitely unique individual with a distinguished experience that defines your every move, but this option is less fun and more inclusive. Either way, I am an elitist of the highest caliber that makes everyone else not an elitist because I am elitism itself.