Listen, I wouldn’t exactly call myself Gordon Ramsay, but I do make some bomb boxed cookies. Sadly, homemade apple pie is nothing like a box of cookies. Like, at all.

I’ve never made anything from scratch before, well, at least anything good. Something about the simplicity of freezer burnt cookie dough and chemical-ridden frosting is just so intriguing to me, but soon that might change.

Read on as I document my holiday baking journey for your entertainment and my culinary embarrassment.

And Gordon if you’re reading this, I’m so sorry.

THE INGREDIENTS

So, I might have procrastinated doing this for the past week and a half, but now that I found a semi-easy looking recipe, it’s time to get to work. Here’s the ingredients.

THE DOUGH

For someone that doesn’t have a whisk, sifter, rolling pin, or really anything but a pan and a fork, I think I did okay on the dough. It’s crumbly and kind of greasy, but nothing some water can’t fix. (???)

My mom says I should have just gotten it pre-made, but I have to DIY it if I’m going to be the next Master Chef someday.

THE APPLES

I don’t know what kind of apples I was supposed to use, but the green ones are cheaper, so I went with that. Also, I forgot to take a picture of the mixture. Just imagine it being really good. (Besides the fact that I forgot to peel them.)

THE SET UP

Like I said, I don’t have a rolling pin. I tried to smash the dough between two plates, but it didn’t work. I tried using a cup, but it wasn’t doing good either. My last resort was punching it until it was flat enough. I didn’t know baking required a black belt, but you learn something new every day.

THE FINAL PRODUCT

Well, it could be worse, right? I didn’t make enough dough, but it’s close enough. Hopefully my panel of judges appreciate abstract art.

THE JUDGING

Mom:

“Just tell them your mom said it’s the best pie she’s ever had.”

Rate: 10

Dad:

“Crust is a little thick and you need’a put more apples in it. You could’a used the Woolite can as a rolling pin. Improvise, adapt, overcome.”

Rate: 8

My cat, Peepee:

*blank stare*

Rate: ????

THE CONCLUSION

Baking is harder than I thought. Maybe it was a little soggy and sour and burnt at the same time, but the concept was totally there. Apples in a pie. What more do you want?

I probably won’t be the next Master Chef, but there’s one thing I definitely am:

Totally over baking.