There is a place you can only reach between the hours of three AM and four forty-four AM. My mother always told me; “This is the place where the lonely kids go.” She told me one rule to follow if I ever try to go: “Always wear a watch, or you won’t know when to leave.” After all, time is slower there.

However, my mother is gone now. So I can’t listen to any more stories about the lonely place. Yet, ever since I was little, I set aside one Saturday of the month to wear a watch to bed, and try to follow asleep between the right hours.

I’m Gabrielle Johnson, but my mom always called me Gabby for short. I live in the middle-of-no-where but somewhere in northern Michigan (population 241.) I’m 14 years old, yet ever since I was 7 I’ve been homeschooled. I like dragonflies and the smell of cinnamon, but I hate thunderstorms and carrots.

I’m a pretty easy-going person. I have no siblings, so all of my dad’s attention is on me. While I do love him, I just wish things could be… different between us. I wish we would get along better. But I think it’s because of mom that we don’t. She was a kind of glue that held us together.

One of the stories that my mom told me about the Lonely Place, is that there are the secret snakes. They tell you about everything. While my mother never told if she’s ever been to the Lonely Place, she has told me: “In tricky situations, you can’t lie. But you don’t have to mention the truth either.” And I’ve carried this piece of wisdom with me my whole life.

I’ve also questioned my whole life if I even meet the criteria to travel to the Lonely Place. My dad thinks it’s all just junk and lies, but I know my mother wouldn’t lie. Not even in tricky situations, like she said. Mother said you had to be in a state of two emotions- Or the rule of two as she called it- To travel to the Lonely place. First emotion is sadness. “Absolute” sadness as she emphasized. And the second emotion is…bargaining? When she told me this, I was confused, but it is actually the third stage of grieving. “While those who mourn typically experience the five stages of grief, not all of them go through them in exact order. Some won’t experience certain stages at all.” My mother stated.

A part of me wonders if just by trying to do this is already putting me in the bargaining stage. A part of me wonders if my mother is there, at the Lonely Place. I would only assume this because she passed away in the hospital bed right at the cut off of 4:44AM. So am I doing this for her? Am I bargaining to go see her?

Author’s note: This is an excerpt from the first chapter of my book: “A Lonely Place.” Inspired by my grief-with the help of an internet aesthetic called “weirdcore”- I was able to pull this off. Thank you!